How would you finish this sentence?
People are ___________________.

People are selfish? Or people are mean? People are lazy? People are rude?

What patterns do you see in the behavior of the people around you?

Noticing a mirror

Here’s the thing with such generalizations. They are a clear sign of something psychologists call “confirmation bias,” or seeing what you expect to see.

If you believe people are selfish, you will notice every selfish thing someone does around you. And you will likely fail to notice the unselfish things.

In this way, the people around you serve as a mirror reflecting your own beliefs. If you see a common thread among the majority of people you meet—you can be sure it isn’t them. Your pre-existing expectations lead you to focus on certain things and overlook others.

Mistaking a mirror for reality

Since we’re so sure our perceptions are reinforced by real-world experiences, we start blaming the rest of the world for being disappointing. Because we are so tired of people being selfish, we get angry whenever someone seems selfish. We lash out every time something fits the pattern.

Trouble is, we don’t notice all the times someone is selfless, thoughtful, kind, or generous because we’re not looking for it. We are unable to see what’s right in front of us because we’re so sure we already know what’s going on.

And we begin misinterpreting everything through this biased filter. So whenever someone doesn’t do what we want, we are certain it’s because they’re selfish—after all, everyone is. Then we react in a negative way because of this flawed perception.

This tendency can poison relationships.

Recognizing my mirrors

I have a major problem with rejection—growing up with parents that didn’t seem all that interested in spending time with me took a toll. It’s my biggest confirmation bias. Given the slightest opportunity, I will interpret every action as a potential indicator of a coming rejection.

Because I am aware of the bias, I have learned how to interrupt the process.

So when someone seems to be ignoring me, I simply remind myself there’s probably something going on in their life—instead of assuming they don’t really care.

I have to do this all the time, because my mind is full of rejection scripts. But here’s the good news… it works! A conscious awareness of my bias is all it takes. I am able to break the cycle of assumptions pretty easily.

Better still, because I’m not instigating rejections by lashing out at people who only appear to be rejecting me, I regularly get evidence of how wrong my biased belief is.

Here’s how that works: My sister hasn’t responded to a question after 2 days. She always has her phone nearby, so any significant delay is unusual.

• Biased assumption: She is obviously ignoring me on purpose. She is spending time on people who matter to her. I send an angry message. She responds with an angry message, and we don’t communicate again for weeks. This confirms my bias.
• Objective assumption: Something must be going that is making it difficult for her to respond, because this is not her normal behavior. I wait calmly until she calls me on Day 3. I learn her phone stopped working after a software update, so she never even saw my question until today. We have a lovely conversation, and my bias is weakened by an example of someone who obviously cares.

Do you have any biases?

Can your attention be diverted from the objective reality by biased expectations? Take a look at this video to see…

Did you notice the changes the first time? Yeah, me neither. Turns out humans are surprisingly easy to distract.

So keep an eye out for your mirrors. Fortunately, they will tell you exactly what you’re missing. And then you can stop provoking the people in your life to become the very things you hate!

“When an honest man discovers he is mistaken, he will either cease to be mistaken, or he will cease to be honest.”

Anonymous