In the most simplistic view, apologies are one person’s acknowledgement that they did something to harm another—something they regret. On the surface, this would appear to be about acknowledging who was right and wrong, with the “wrong” party owing an apology to the one who was “right.”

Would you rather make things right or be right?

A right/wrong interpretation is superficial because it misses the real point—and the real power—behind apologies. When done well, an apology isn’t about who was right. It’s about re-establishing trust.

It doesn’t matter that the person who did the hurting thought their actions were justified. The fact that their rationale still makes sense to them after the fact and that they believe they could convince a jury of their “rightness” if given the chance are unimportant. What does matter is that their behavior fractured the trust bond between them and someone they care about.

What does trust have to do with apologies?

Without a genuine apology, that trust bond will never be the same because the person who got hurt knows the whole scene will play out again. Why wouldn’t it? It made sense! It was right! It was justified! That absent apology demonstrates that the pain inflicted is irrelevant to the person who did the hurting.

And that is why the ever-“justified” person now represents a danger… a ticking time bomb of emotional pain. It’s safe to assume they will never feel genuine empathy so long as they’re convinced they are in the right. They have begun changing from an ally into an enemy.

Breaking down the trust

Let’s say, for example, you had a bad day at work and came home to rage at your son for leaving a mess in the kitchen. You can feel quite justified that he should know better… he’s taking everything for granted… he’s being irresponsible. You can soothe any pangs of conscience for that shocked/hurt expression on his face by reminding yourself and (and him) that he brought it on himself by being so flawed. No need for an apology, right?

But from his side, the parent he loves has just walked through the door and attacked him from out of the blue. He will no longer be able to just relax when you come home—because he’ll have no way of predicting when you might blow up again. The trust has been eroded. And if you don’t offer him a genuine apology, your relationship will never be the same.

Now multiply that times all the occasions when your reactions have hurt him and no apology followed. Most relationships break down slowly—death by a thousand cuts.

Does trust matter?

Do you want your own son to have a feeling of fear every time he hears your car pull up? Would you like him to be happier when you’re gone than when you’re around? Do you want to enhance this fear every time you unleash your anger and criticism on him for being “wrong” in your eyes?

If you say no to these questions, then you understand exactly why you will want to apologize and exactly what to apologize for.

Shifting your perspective

If you don’t like thinking your loved ones may not trust you, emotionally speaking, you have some work to do. Hopefully, they’re still talking to you. If so, you can fix this!

First, you’ll need to do a bit of soul searching to unplug the right/wrong story you’ve been telling yourself. That story ignores the real behavior for which you should apologize. It never had anything to do with the specific issue you were focusing on—the problem is that you were ok with hurting them.

Rebuilding trust

Once you can see the real “crime” in your behavior, you’ll begin to know how to offer good apologies.

In our earlier example, it might sound something like this:

“I’m sorry I yelled at you this afternoon. I’d had a bad day at work and let all that pent-up frustration come out as soon as I got home. You leaving a mess in the kitchen is not such a big deal that I’d ever want to damage our relationship over it, and it makes me sad to think my reaction did that. I love you more than I could ever explain, and your feelings are really important to me. I will try to find better ways to deal with my stress because it isn’t fair for me to take my frustrations out on you.”

If you have a habit of managing your own emotions badly, you likely have a lot of ground to cover in repairing your relationships. But I can assure you that genuine, well-crafted apologies are up to the task. They’ll come from a place of love, confidence, and empathy. And they’ll show the people you care about that you are safe to love.

You don’t have to admit you were wrong. You don’t have to say they were right. You just have to be sorry you hurt them.

Since you are (now), that shouldn’t be too hard.