Since you’re thinking about having kids, it’s really important to get your emotional house in order. That means noticing the things you do that create unnecessary damage to your relationships. And it means developing strategies for managing those destructive emotional reactions. To that end, I’m going to tell you a true story about a recent experience in my life…

An automatic reaction

The other day, I walked into the kitchen and saw a carton of milk sitting on the counter. My husband left it out by mistake. I immediately imagined how we might have had to throw it away if I hadn’t found it before it went bad. I started thinking how this sort of thing wastes food, and he’s always forgetting things. We spend so much on groceries, why can’t he be more careful? It’s irresponsible and…

Then I stopped.

Questioning the automatic reaction

“Is all of this even true?” I asked myself. Before I get all worked up, I want to be sure it’s worth the effort.

So first, was it true? I had to admit that while parts had some truth in them (he does forget things often), he does not leave food out of the refrigerator much.

Next, even if it were true, was it a big deal? In this case, I also had to admit it really wasn’t. We can easily afford to waste a little milk here and there. And when I looked at the date on the carton, it was set to expire in one day anyway. So it was certainly no great loss no matter what.

And finally, even if it was a big deal, was I making it more global than it was? In this case, I was well on my way to creating a story for myself in which my husband was bankrupting us through forgetful food waste. But bankruptcy does not come from a quart of milk, so yes, I was definitely making it too global.

What is true?

My whole reaction to this tiny situation—that had, in fact, caused absolutely no damage—was unnecessary. Had I not stopped myself, I could have gotten angry and started accusing him of all sorts of things. He would rightly have been confused and defensive, and we would have had a pointless argument that accomplished nothing but to drive a wedge between us.

And that would not be okay with me, because I love my husband. He’s a wonderful man in a million ways, so I’m happy to overlook the fact that he forgets things. The minute I become perfect, I will begin demanding perfection from others… but in the meantime, I hope others will be happy to overlook my weaknesses.

Question everything

I once heard the wise words: Don’t believe everything you think. It’s great advice, because I think a lot of things that are utter nonsense every single day. If I assumed anything that popped into my head were true, I’d spend a lot more time upset. But fortunately, I’ve learned to question myself before I cause too much trouble… at least most of the time I do.

Stop. Question. Relax.

So the next time you get mad because your partner left the cap off the toothpaste, try asking yourself if that whole big story you’re about to create is true. Maybe they do have a habit of leaving the toothpaste uncapped, but that’s probably the only part of your story that’s on target.

Is it a big deal? Probably have to go with “no” in this case.

Are you making it more global than it is? If you have somehow decided that the open toothpaste proves they don’t care about you, you have run off into the weeds. It’s really just a tube of toothpaste.

You see my point? By questioning yourself, you run out of steam quickly when you try to get worked up.

And that’s a beautiful thing. You get to go right back to being a happy, well-adjusted person with a spouse who just happens to need you to put the cap back on that tube. And being needed by your partner isn’t all bad.