Tired of dealing with the hurt feelings of people around you? Is it frustrating that you’re always hearing how you said or did something unkind? Are you tired of tip-toeing around all these “overly sensitive” people?

If you said a resounding ‘yes’ to any or all of those questions, I will likely be telling you something you don’t want to hear.

It isn’t all those other people who have the problem.

Being sensitive is human

Each person arrives on this planet with a full set of emotions they’ll happily express authentically. That includes the ability to feel hurt when someone says something critical or insulting. It’s perfectly normal.

As we grow up, all the occasions where someone is cruel to us help deaden those feelings. The same process deadens other things like trust, empathy, and the ability to connect meaningfully with others. Depending on just how often and how deeply someone has been hurt, there is a proportional disconnect in their ability to be sensitive to other people’s feelings.

That’s not a good thing, especially when you have a child living in the crosshairs.

If you have lost sensitivity, it’s a tragedy

So if you are continually riding roughshod over others’ feelings, it’s a sign you’ve endured too much cruelty yourself. For that I apologize, on behalf of whoever did it. Because it’s not ok that it happened to you.

But we have to deal with what is. And in your case, what is is that you are now doing the same thing to the people around you.

Becoming more sensitive

First, you need to remove the words “too sensitive” from your vocabulary. Get over the idea that other people owe it to you to take your crap. They don’t. If you can’t help but be mean, they have every right to be unhappy with you.

This goes double for children.

Interrupt the regular behaviors

Next, start developing some habits to stop yourself from the automatic behaviors that cause damage. Get used to the idea of questioning your own thoughts, because not every thought is a winner. (See ‘Is it even true?‘ for help with this.)

Don’t allow yourself to get into a mindset where you’ll want to hurt others. Develop the habit of removing yourself from a situation as soon as you start to feel your irritation or upset rising. Just say, “I hear what you’re saying, and I need some time to think this over. We can talk later.” Then walk away and go calm down. (See ‘What will they remember?‘ for more on managing anger.)

Figure out what triggers you. Notice the situations that provoke a harsh feeling inside you. Think about the things that make you feel criticized, controlled, or unappreciated. Then start to think about what might be underneath those feelings. Usually emotional reactions have their roots in our past… Were there times your dad made you feel that way? Did your mom yell at you using similar words? Did you always hate it when your brother did that to you?

Whatever it is—if you can recognize it’s origins, it becomes easier to disentangle it from the current situation. Because then you can recognize it as just reminding you of an unhappy memory instead of actually being a problem now.

When you drop the ball

Finally, when you see signs that you’ve hurt or offended someone, make amends. It’s important to let people know you’re sorry, because it gives them reason to think you won’t repeat the behavior. But it has to be a good apology, where you focus not so much on the “I’m sorry” as the “for…”

It is the “for…” part that means the most. That’s where you demonstrate that you understand exactly what you did that was wrong. And you show them that you care how it affected them. Better still, you give them confidence you have learned something that will change your behavior in the future.

If you really haven’t done much apologizing in life, you’ll be amazed at how much it solves. Try it, and you’ll see!