Think back to the last time you had an argument with someone in your household. Consider what triggered the conflict, how things escalated, and how it ended.

Now stop for a moment. Picture the whole thing unfolding on live television.

A reality show of your family

Instead of just you and your kid or partner, now you have millions of people watching and judging your conflict-resolution skills. Your neighbors, friends, coworkers, that guy at the coffee shop—they can all see exactly how you behaved. They can all form opinions based on what they saw for themselves, so there’s no opportunity for you to “spin” things or explain your reactions.

Does the whole thing seem different in this context? How do you feel about your actions?

Were you emotionally centered? Were you mature? Were you fair? Did you listen? Did you explain your perspective respectfully? Did the conflict facilitate a new understanding in either party?

Would your behavior have changed if you knew there were millions of witnesses?

I’m hoping you can say ‘yes,’ because the ability to recognize anything you could improve is fantastic. And odds are good that there was room for improvement. When we argue, we’re fueled by negative emotions and higher-level thought shuts down. This means in any argument, everyone probably said or did things that were less than ideal.

And that’s okay. We’re human, after all. But let’s make sure there is a point to it.

A reality show you can be proud of

As you think back about that argument, do you regret anything you said? Even if everything you said was strictly correct, was it said in a loving way? Did you in any way make the other person feel diminished, disrespected, or unheard? Did you perhaps say some things that weren’t even true?

The point of this is not to beat youself up. You are compiling a list of assets. I know that sounds crazy, but the things you did “wrong” are the raw materials for building an incredible relationship.

Regardless of who did what to who, arguments tend to leave hurt feelings and anger on both sides. By addressing your role in that process in any way, you’ll turn that conflict into an opportunity to build trust and respect.

The only thing that will make it difficult for you to do what I’m about to propose is ego. Not to suggest ego isn’t a potent barrier to overcome, but I invite you try. You may be surprised to see how a little honest self-awareness and an open heart can actually bring people to admire you vastly more than that inflated ego ever could.

The scene they’d talk about at the water cooler

We’ve all seen enough reality-show fare to know that watching most people argue is not especially educational. But now, I’m suggesting you script a plot twist that would inspire.

Think back to that list of things you regret about your argument. Now choose one that you can genuinely apologize for. I mean an apology where you take full responsibility and don’t offer excuses or try to share blame. A couple examples to get you thinking…

• I’m sorry I wasn’t able to really listen when you were trying to talk yesterday. When I get upset, I’m a terrible listener, and I imagine it makes you feel like I don’t care what you think. But I do.
• When we were arguing, I said some things I’m not proud of. I let my anger get the best of me, and I’m sorry it made you feel bad. I want you to know those things do not reflect what I really think. It was just the anger talking, and it was wrong.

Now that you’ve taken some of the sting out of the conflict, it’s time for some trust building. This is where you demonstrate anything you will do differently to avoid replaying this conflict. The more heart-centered truth you can bring to this, the better.

• I realized I’m always wound up right when I get home from work, and I don’t want to take that out on you. So from now on, I was thinking maybe I should take a little time to relax before we discuss anything important. Do you think that might help?
• I never understood how bad it made you feel when I called you irresponsible. After you explained it last night, though, I get it now. I’m sorry, and I won’t say it again. I was really only upset that you don’t always remember to take out the garbage, which is obviously not a very big deal and definitely not “irresponsible.” I want you to know how much I really appreciate all the very responsible things you do for our family—including even taking out the garbage most of the time.

At this point, you may get a tearful explanation of how they’re feeling or how much that all means to them. You may also get a somewhat cold response because they haven’t had a chance to shift gears from a place of anger/hurt yet. Some people need time. If that’s the case, just close with, “I just wanted you to know that because I love you.” And give them some time to process.

Becoming a reality star

Trust me. If you do this well, you will be creating experiences your loved ones will remember for the rest of their lives. My husband did something like this 2 years ago, and I can honestly say it is one of the reasons he’s my husband instead of just some guy I used to know.

It takes courage for a person to make themselves vulnerable in this way, especially in the wake of an argument. And that’s why such behavior is sadly so rare—like perfect diamonds or DaVinci paintings.

Rare, beautiful, and priceless.