As an adult, I have a hard time freely expressing my emotions. Even the good ones. It’s like I’m ashamed of having feelings at all—as if I should be completely even and calm at all times. It’s actually easier for me to let bad feelings show than good ones; because if I’m upset, I tend to care less about having a bad effect on others. Messed up, right?
My husband pushes me to open up, but it’s an uphill battle. The patterns are worn deep into the fabric of my being. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to overcome that programming, but I hope I do. Because I know it makes my life a lot less fun, and it makes it harder for people to understand how much I care about them.
Hiding your feelings is learned
So how did I get so closed off? That one’s easy. I was trained to believe my emotions were a problem for other people.
From as far back as I can remember, I was taught to keep things to myself. If I cried, I was threatened: “I’ll give you something to cry about!” If I got too excited about Christmas presents, I was being greedy. If I didn’t want to do a chore and made that clear—even if I was doing it anyway—I would hear how lazy I was. If I enjoyed other kids’ parents too much, I was ungrateful. If I got angry, I was immature. I remember having fun playing with my stepbrother and stepsister one day—just pushing a little car back and forth between us—while my dad and stepmom were watching TV in the next room. We were apparently giggling too loud and each got a swat without explanation. Even having fun bothers others if you aren’t careful.
Little by little, I learned my emotions were unacceptable. There was clearly a “right” emotion for every situation, and whatever I was actually feeling probably wasn’t it. So I developed the habit of pretending to be emotionless much of the time. It was the safest option.
Let them express their truth
Please, please, please… do not do this to your kids. Their feelings and their ability to freely express them (no matter how annoying sometimes) are important. The quality of their adult relationships will depend on their ability to be emotionally honest. Fortunately, we all arrive on this earth with that ability—so as long as no one trains it out of them, they’ll be just fine.
If your daughter is crying inconsolably for something you consider to be a non-issue, try to comfort her instead of telling her to suck it up. She’ll toughen up soon enough anyway, because that happens on its own. Kids with tender feelings get hurt often enough that they develop their resistance naturally, like building an immune response by getting sick. What they don’t need is to learn to be ashamed of their own feelings. Or that what they feel doesn’t matter.
Managing those feelings
Of course, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with helping them figure out how to manage their emotions. That’s completely different from pretending you aren’t feeling something. Being able to help yourself feel less sad or angry is a really useful skill. As is learning how to keep from directing negative emotions at others in destructive ways.
Make it safe for your child to express their feelings authentically. Being excited about a present isn’t a bad thing. Nor is being frustrated to have to do a chore when they’d rather play with their friends. Being sad because they can’t go to a sleepover is normal. Any genuine emotional response is okay as long as they don’t direct it at someone in a damaging way. Don’t interpret their feelings as bad just because you’re not in the mood to deal with someone else’s “stuff” at the moment. Better for you to step away and let someone else handle the situation if you’re in that frame of mind.
That other worry…
If your kid is actually starting to seem greedy or lazy or whatever, consider where they could be seeing that behavior modeled… because kids emulate those they admire. If any of it is coming from you—yippee! That’s the one thing you have complete control over and it actually means your kid looks up to you. Show them a better way and you’ll start seeing that better perspective reflected back.