Recently, I hurt my husband’s feelings and made him feel unappreciated—but not on purpose. It was because I don’t happen to be psychic.

The misunderstanding

My side of it: He had a doctor’s appointment and got up early. I heard him leave the house before he took a shower, so I assumed he needed cash from an ATM. When he got back, he came upstairs with a breakfast roll and coffee for me. So apparently he’d grabbed breakfast for himself while he was out and got some for me too. I thought it was sweet, and I said “thank you.” Then I ate my breakfast.

This is the ‘crime’ from my perspective. Not what you’d expect would make anyone feel bad, right?

His side: He had a doctor’s appointment. He set his alarm to go off extra early, so he’d have time to run out before he got ready. The sole purpose of this excursion was to pick up breakfast for me. He was doing it just to make me happy and show me he loved me. When he got home, he came upstairs looking forward to the big reaction for all this thought and effort… and I just said a sleepy, “thank you.” That’s it. I didn’t even look all that happy.

From his perspective, it wasn’t worth all the effort and he ended up feeling unappreciated.

Was it avoidable?

This whole thing would have had a happy ending if he would have told me he’d made a special trip. Something like, “Because I love you even more than sleep, I got up early so I could get this for you.”

I would have understood all that went into the gesture and he’d have seen the reaction he was hoping for. But he thought I’d guess it was all about me.

Unfortunately, I tend to think very little in life is really about me. So the idea of me guessing someone is doing things solely for my benefit isn’t likely to come into my head. For this reason, I need people to tell me things instead of expecting me to know.

I’m not the only one who isn’t psychic

This sort of thing happens to everyone. Someone assumes you understand things you don’t or that you know what they want. Then all of a sudden they’re mad because you didn’t behave like they expected.

It may not be simple to figure out how to avoid being on the receiving end of this situation, but being the ‘unappreciated giver’ is easily fixable.

Tell them what they need to know

If you’ve done something special your daughter has been asking for, try telling her instead of waiting for her to figure it out. You can still have the element of surprise, but without the risk that she never notices or sees the significance. So you call her to come take a look. Then when she comes around the corner, you say “I know you’ve been wanting me to do _________, and because you’re awesome and I love you… ta da!”

She’ll be thrilled, not only because you did what she wanted. But also because you made sure she knew you did it to please her—because you care and value her.

And then she’ll be sure to show you all the joy and appreciation you deserve for your efforts.

Seems win-win, no?

And when you want something…

People aren’t psychic about that either. Instead of expecting them to guess what will please you, simply tell them.

If you’d really like to go to your son’s basketball game… “It would mean a lot to me if I could go to your next game. I love watching you play.” If you want your husband to help with the dishes… “Hey honey. I’m so tired tonight, it would make me happy if you’d load the dishwasher for me.”

See? It’s not rocket science. You just tell them exactly what you want and why you’d appreciate it.

It’s important that they know not only what you want, but also why it is meaningful. This helps ensure they don’t decline thinking it’s no big deal to you when it actually is.

And be sure you’re just as clear in communicating your appreciation when someone gives you what you’ve asked for.