Ever find yourself the target of your child’s anger, but you have no idea why? Maybe things were going along just fine between the two of you, and then… boom! They start yelling or saying cruel things out of the blue?

A convenient target

The thing you need to fully absorb on this topic is that kids—and some have this habit more than others—often direct their upset over something completely unrelated at whoever is handy. They don’t even realize they’re doing it, because in the moment it all makes sense to them. So long as they’re ruled by their emotions, they are incapable of clear, self-aware thought.

So you’re probably thinking if you just point out the obvious, everything will be fine.

Let me save you some trouble. If you suggest they’re reacting to something else, they will tell you you’re nuts (and probably get even more angry). Never works. Probably because their actual need is to be angry. So you can’t convince them to stop doing the very thing they need in that moment by troubling them with facts.

But here’s the trick.

The anger is bait, but you don’t have to bite

YOU know in that first moment of attack, it simply isn’t about whatever they’re claiming it’s about. Because you aren’t angry at the start, you can see how unprovoked it was. While still in that place of awareness, you can choose to ignore the mean things they say.

Tell them in a calm voice, “I’m sorry, but talking things over with someone who’s angry doesn’t work for me. I hear what you’re saying, but we’ll have to discuss this later.” Then walk away.

It won’t make them happy. But it will protect you from hearing all the awful things they are about to say. And that is an investment in your future relationship with them, because all the things they say to hurt you cause damage they’ll never be able to erase. Walking away will also set the rules for their future behavior. After they’ve been shut down in this way a few times, they’ll be less likely to target you with their random anger because they know it doesn’t work.

It might help if you picture them as a very young child throwing a tantrum—which they effectively are. In that way, you can take all their hurtful comments as a version of the angry toddler’s “I hate you!” It’s just that they have a better vocabulary.

Why do they do it?

There are lots of specific reasons someone might behave this way. But at the core of it, anger feels better than whatever they were feeling before. While you’re angry, your brain is flooded with chemicals that make you feel strong. It numbs the bad feelings for a while, which seems better than feeling things like shame or fear.

For this reason, anger as an antidote to worse feelings becomes addictive for some people. And those people get angry a lot with little provocation.

A look in the mirror

Now think hard about your own behavior. Are there times you started a fight with someone only to discover at the end of it you weren’t really sure what it was about? Times you criticized someone for doing things that on other days didn’t bother you at all—or you maybe even appreciated? Times you said things to someone who was not already angry that you knew were going to make them feel bad… but you didn’t even care?

These are all signs that you are using anger to manage your bad feelings.

If you do it often enough, the good people in your life will eventually decide they’ve had enough. Even your own kids will stay away because it isn’t safe to be around you. And you’ll be left alone.

Of course, most people who end up in this situation refuse to acknowledge that they had anything to do with their empty life. It’s always someone else’s fault. And that allows them to keep the anger alive even when there’s no one in the room to direct it at.

The bottom line is this: Directing anger at people damages relationships… period. It’s not your child’s responsibility to toughen up so you can behave like a jerk. It’s your responsibility to learn how to be a better person. One who cares enough about the feelings of others to control your own destructive impulses.

You have a moment of calm before you launch into an angry tirade over nothing. In that moment, you can stop yourself. If you allow yourself to get worked up, it will be too late. But that means you have to be aware of your own dysfunctional programming to realize you might be about to attack for no good reason. (See ‘Is it even true?‘ and ‘What will they remember?‘ for more on controlling anger.)