Ever notice you have certain arguments with the same people over and over? Nothing ever really gets solved, and it’s just a lot of pointless drama.

Event A triggers someone to anger, then you respond to that anger with more anger. Your angry response triggers even more anger in the other person, who strikes back even harder. And so on.

Either of you has the power to break the cycle if you choose to. All you have to do is take down your defenses and show some vulnerability instead.

How?

By finding the fear underneath the other person’s anger and addressing it with love.

What’s behind the anger?

Let’s say you fight with your son because his room’s a mess. You’ve had that same, pointless argument a million times—so you know all the highlights.

Stop and think about what fears could be behind his emotional reaction to you asking him to clean his room. Could he feel disrespected that he is being treated like a child—because he’s old enough to want control of his own space? Is he worried you think he’s incompetent? Does your behavior suggest you don’t care how he feels?

If you think about it from that angle, you’ll begin to see things you might be able to say that would reduce his anger immediately.

Reducing the fears

So let’s assume he’s feeling disrespected. His standard response to you might be, “Why don’t you just close the door!” But instead of your usual angry reply, you say, “I know. It’s your room and you don’t mind the mess. And I know how hard you work at school and sports, so cleaning your room doesn’t seem important to you. But it does matter to me, even if I can’t see it. Maybe it seems crazy to you, but just knowing there’s a mess in there makes me anxious. Can we make a deal? What if I close the door and try to ignore it today, and you try to organize things a little bit this weekend?”

There’s really no reason for him to be angry this time. You’ve headed off his underlying issue by acknowledging that you respect him by not giving orders and being willing to compromise. You’ve also shown you care how he feels, and that he has some control over his own space.

This takes the heat out of his usual angry response. And that means you’ll avoid being triggered to anger because he won’t be saying anything to provoke you. Which means you both get to be the kind, thoughtful, loving people you really are. And nobody has to say anything they’ll regret later on.

And that’s win-win.

Fears of your own

Your angry responses are also fears in hiding. It’s a normal human approach to avoiding anticipated pain. Sadly, it’s entirely destructive, which is why it’s valuable to be able to manage those responses consciously by articulating the real issue clearly.

Let’s say you always get angry when you feel criticized. So if your daughter says, “I hate that color on you,” you would normally tell her you didn’t ask her opinion and she’s really rude. It would feel better in that instant to snap at her because she’s triggered a fear. But that just starts a pointless cycle of angry responses that damages your relationship.

So instead, let’s be conscious and identify the fear.

Maybe you believe deep down that you aren’t good enough. (This is a really common fear.) Thus, you fear she won’t be able to love you if she figures out you aren’t good enough. To compensate, you make her feel worse than you when she says something that stings—so she will never notice you aren’t good enough. In a distorted way, it makes sense. But in truth, it means you say things that hurt your daughter and give her reasons to regret loving you. And it’s all based on your incorrect belief that you aren’t good enough!

Try this one on for size: Instead of snapping at her, honestly admit how you’re feeling. “I realize you may not have meant it that way, but your comment makes me feel very insecure. Do you really think I look bad?”

You might be surprised to hear something along the lines of, “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to suggest you look bad. You’re beautiful anyway, but that color doesn’t do you justice!” She might even offer to help you pick something else to wear.

You have the power

Whenever you’re in an argument, you can stop it at any time. You aren’t powerless waiting for the other person to snap out of it and start behaving sanely. You can make it happen consciously.

If you master this skill, you can have fantastic, healthy relationships instead of volatile, hurtful ones. And that will pay dividends for a lifetime.

Practice makes perfect!